Sell Your Soul to Satan
Take charge of your life.
Disappointed that your prayers to your God of choice failed you every time? Don't
like the idea of having to actually work at achieving your dreams? Well, here is
your opportunity to change your life for the better... for a little something in
return...
The Opportunity
Radio Satan 666, the first web site to give you the Satanic Bible "Quote-A-Matic"
thingy featured on our home page, has created the most powerful and versatile e-commerce
trading exchange with the underworld. The universal acceptance of the World Wide
Web now provides you with a singular opportunity: the ability to sell your soul
in the comfort of your own homes. Experts tell us that online transactions are every
bit as safe as face to face transactions-- although neither can be guaranteed to
be 100% risk free. You're just as likely to be run over by a truck on your way to
your neighborhood sorcerer as you are to run into security problems when selling
something online! Nevertheless, we have minimized your risks by securing an exclusive
technology partnership with Satan, and the dark lord himself has named his earthly
messenger, the Prince of Darkness, as his legal executor. We have established a
permanent, secured, and fault tolerant TCP connection on port 666 to the depth of
hell and you don’t even need a credit card merchant account.
What do I need to sell my soul on the Internet?
Well, first, you need a soul. Science has yet to prove the existence of souls, and
there is a good possibility that souls are not real. Even if they were real, we
seriously doubt that you are putting it into good use. Therefore, you are getting
an absolute good deal by trading it in for something in return.
Whether it’s money in obscene quantities, fulfillment of your earthly lust and fleshly
desires, threesomes with Winona Ryder and Britney Spears, power to take over the
world, good health or extension of life, just name your price and Satan will make
your dreams a reality for you. All he requires in exchange is an intangible and
useless thing that is your soul... and a few life style changes.
Please peruse the following contract, and fill in the required information. All
we need is your digital acceptance of our digital contract and you can start a new
life full of riches and success!
Contract to sell your soul
Your Discussion Forum Username:
Your Discussion Forum Passord:
(You are required to have a Discussion Forum account for the purpose of authentication.
We don’t want you to go start selling someone else’s soul, do we? If you don’t have
an account, go sign up
and remember to come back here to complete your transaction!)
(WARNING: Do not sell another person's soul because the transaction
really applies to your soul. We track everything by IP and browser session, so we
will eventually track it down to you.)
- My name is:
(Full Name)
and I am located at:
(City, State, Country)
hereby agree that at the end of my natural life span, I shall relinquish the ownership
of my soul to the keeping of Satan. I understand that Satan will not hasten the
final execution of this release and will wait for me to die naturally.
- I hereby renounce my allegiance to any deity, and accept Satan, the crown prince
of hell and true ruler of Earth, as my only true deity and savior.
- I fully understand that I will spend my time on Earth as a role model of evil, and
indulge in every human activity considered sinful by the various false prophets
of various false religions.
- I shall not pray to any false deity. Prayers to any false deity will result in the
immediate release of my soul to Satan and my death shall be the most cruel and painful.
I understand that praying does not improve my current situation, and I am better
off with selling my soul to Satan or simply taking action to change my circumstances.
- Should I meet any person or persons who force their false deity and false religion
upon me, I will call out to the power of darkness and ask Satan to take their souls.
I shall then drink their blood, piss on their grave, and laugh the sardonic laughter
as they pay for their lies.
- In exchange for my soul, I shall not request immortality because it would be stupid
to do so. Satan does want to his part of the bargain to be executed at some point
in time. Failing to comply with this clause will result in the immediate release
of my soul to Satan in the most cruel and painful way, or I shall turn into a jackass
living in a third world country, chained to the back of a broken down pickup truck,
drinking and eating from my own feces, and under the mercy of an alcoholic and abusive
owner who shall whip me every day and night and treat me as a sex object.
- I agree to abide by the Nine Satanic Statements and the Eleven Satanic Rules of
the Earth. Failure to observe these doctrines will nullify my wishes, but Satan
still keeps my soul at the end of my natural life span.
- I understand that this contract is irrevocable, effective eternally, and all sales
are final. There are no refunds or exchanges. I may not sell my soul a second time
or to a false deity. Any attempts at escaping compliance from this clause will render
me impotent for the remainder of my natural life, and I will fail. Satan reserves
the right to modify this contract at his whim without the need to notify me. If
I do not get my wishes, my soul still belongs to Satan at the end of my life. No
exceptions.
- When the time comes to fulfill my part of the bargain, I shall do so punctually
and without resistance.
- In the name of Satan, and in the company of Astaroth, Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Abbadon,
Azazel, and by all the demons named and nameless who swarm the Pits of Hell, I enter
into this contract with Satan, lord of darkness and creator of sin, in the witness
of Prince of Darkness, the messenger and legal executor of Satan on Earth, in exchange
for:
(your
wishes)
* Please wait 6-8 weeks for delivery of your wishes.
- My favorite sin is:
- My former affiliation:
- For priority processing of your contract, please upload your photograph (in GIF
or JPG format):